Quran Garden

Today, we dive into the often misunderstood and controversial topic of men disciplining women in Islam.  We will explore the religious contexts behind such practices, focusing on the delicate balance of compassion, love, and order in the household.  Our goal is to clarify how God's guidelines are meant to protect, not harm, your family.  Let's begin.              

Session 600

Chapter 4

Verse 34

a continuation

Men are the caretakers of women because of the advantage God has granted some over others, and by virtue of their spending out of their wealth.  Righteous wives are devout, safeguarding their husbands' interests in their absence as God has guarded them.  As for those wives whose high-handedness you fear, admonish them, keep away from them in bed, and beat them.  Then, if they obey you, do not seek any course of action against them.  Indeed, God is the most-high, the great.  (Chapter 4: Verse 34)

God wants to preserve the unity of your family.  When you guard something precious, you keep alert for any signs of trouble.  Likewise, you need to be attentive to early warning signs of trouble at home.  Listen to God's words: "As for those wives whose high-handedness you fear." The phrasing indicates that, while nothing serious has happened yet, there are warning signs.  When managing your family, you need a watchful eye and a proactive approach to prevent issues from becoming major conflicts.

Here, it is critical to define what "high-handedness" means.  It is translated from the Arabic "نُشُوزَ" from the root " نَشَزَ" meaning "out of place."  We often use it to describe when a singer or musician plays off-pitch or out of tune.  So, how does this relate to the dynamics between men and women?  We answer that Allah had specified that "Men are the caretakers of women," thus, if a woman tries to position herself above the man within the family, it creates an imbalance.  Why?  Because the man is the family leader, and when you have two leaders competing against each other, the family, like any other organization, would fall apart.  If the man senses that his wife is trying to assume a higher role, he should address the issue early.    

But this is a very delicate situation.  Thus, Allah gives the man tools and highlights specific steps to handle it.   The first step, "admonish them." Admonishment is gentle and kind advice.  We say about gentle advice: It's crucial to choose the right moment; wait for a time when she is open and in harmony with you.  Only offer advice when her heart is receptive.

Suppose a son asks his father for a bicycle, and the father does not provide it.  Then the mother complains to the father about the son's bad behavior.  The father brings the bike the son desired, holds it in his hand, calls his son over, saying, "Come here, son.  Allah has granted me the ability to bring what you asked for." In the son's moment of joy, the father adds, "Had I remembered your mother's comments about your behavior, I wouldn't have brought you the bike."  Even if the father spends the next ten minutes scolding his son, the child would listen, agree, and still be happy because the father chose a moment when his son's heart and emotions were connected to him.  Sadly, most parents do the opposite.  They advise at the height of problems, when there is animosity and estrangement between them; thus, their advice falls on deaf ears. 

For admonishment to succeed, we must seize the moment of emotional connection with the one we love.  Thus, "admonish them" means speak gently and kindly.  Part of this kindness involves choosing the right moment, when there's a sense of harmony.  This could be after a pleasant evening out or during a relaxed pillow talk after having intimate relations.

But what about when admonishment doesn't work, and you see matters heading toward rebellion?  Allah advises you on the next step.  A wife is often well aware of her husband's affection and attention toward her.  In general, when it comes to sexual relations, women are more patient than men.  A man's physical composition includes a system that does not rest until it acts, while a woman is aroused more slowly.  When a man's sexual systems are activated, patience becomes challenging for him.  Most women take advantage of this dynamic, knowing that the man loves the outcomes of emotions and indulgence.  Allah advises you to flip the script: abandon your wife in the bed, sending a strong message to her.  The message is loud and clear: getting my household in order is so important to me that I am willing to control my sexual desires until the matter is solved. 

Notice the precision in the phrase, "keep away from them in bed." Do not abandon her in the house or even in the room; just turn your back to her while sharing the same bed.   Why?  To keep your issues private.  If you physically leave the bedroom, the whole household becomes aware of the tension, and you stir your wife's instinct for defiance.  By keeping the matter confined to the bed, it remains a private issue between the two of you.

Rest assured, there will come an emotional moment when both of you will want to look past the problems.  You'll each feel a strong desire to reconcile, and as long as you're sharing the same bed, reconciliation is easy.  Keep your problems to yourselves, sleep in the same bed with the door closed, ensuring no one else knows.  Quarrels between a husband and wife often resolve quickly when kept private.  What ruins homes is when the husband or wife allows external elements to interfere, which can heighten defiance in both partners.  Therefore, it's crucial not to keep disagreements between you, as there is an inherent, intimate bond between you that naturally encourages reconciliation.

Now, if all else fails and the family unit is at risk of dissolution, we reach the last step in the process.  God says, "As for those wives whose high-handedness you fear, admonish them, keep away from them in bed, and beat them." Our Lord taught us this in the story of Prophet Job, when, after a disagreement between them, he swore to strike his wife a hundred lashes.  God advised Job,

"Take a small bunch of grass in your hand, and strike her with that so as not to break your oath." We found him patient in adversity; an excellent servant!  He, too, always turned to God.  (Chapter 38:Verse 44)

One strike with a hundred blades of grass was enough to satisfy the oath.  Scholars said the striking must be light as to express displeasure but not to bruise, draw blood, or break bones.  Some scholars said it could be with a miswak –a twig made from the Salvadora persica tree used as a toothbrush.  When a woman finds that even a strike is tempered with tenderness, her heart will soften towards you, and she will obey willingly.  For those who claim that this is inhumane or barbaric, we answer that the One who created us is far more merciful than you.  We trust Our Lord to legislate the best rulings for our lives. 

Allah imposed restrictions on the man, not just on how to strike, but also by specifying the desired outcome.  He says, "Then if they obey you, do not seek any course of action against them." The matter is not about asserting dominance but about reforming the household.  Some men say, "She obeyed me, but her heart is not with me," or "She hates me and only does as I say because she is afraid." We answer that you are only to deal with her outward behaviour, not her emotions or psyche.  The unseen is none of your business.  Allah says, "Then if they obey you, do not seek any course of action against them," meaning that if the behaviour threatening the family's unity changes, the matter is resolved.  It does not matter how she feels about you.  If you keep pressuring her after she obeys, you are overpowering her, and that is a sin.  

Allah further warns the man, concluding the aya with, "Indeed God is the most-high, the great." If you think you can do whatever you want because you are higher than her in rank in the household, then rest assured that Allah is far higher than you.  If you think that you can abuse her because you are stronger, remember, Allah is far stronger over you than you are over her.  You and your wife are the creation of Allah; He made her lawful to you with a few words, "Marry me... I have married you to her." So don't tower over her, for just as God protected your right, He protects hers.  Neither of you is more entitled to Allah than the other. 

This marks the end of the 600th Tafseer session of QuranGarden! For those who've been with us since the beginning, we can't thank you enough for your support. If you're new to the channel, welcome! We invite you to spend 10 minutes a day with QuranGarden,  a habit guaranteed to nurture your soul and surround your home with blessings, love, and serenity.