Quran Garden

Session 254

Chapter 2

Verse 235

You will not be blamed whether you give a hint that you wish to marry these women, or keep it to yourselves- God is aware that you will keep them in mind. Do not make a secret arrangement with them; speak to them honorably and do not confirm the marriage tie until the prescribed period reaches its end. Remember that God knows what is in your souls, so be mindful of Him. Remember that God is most forgiving and forbearing.

(Chapter 2: verse 235)

In the previous session, we highlighted how God preserved the rights and dignity of women by legislating a waiting period after divorce or after the husband’s death.  In this verse, Allah takes our emotions into consideration.  He addresses the feelings of both sexes: the woman who may be looking to remarry and the man who may be interested in her.  He says: “You will not be blamed whether you give a hint that you wish to marry these women or keep it to yourselves- God knows that you intend to propose to them. Do not make a secret arrangement with them; speak to them honorably and do not confirm the marriage tie until the prescribed period reaches its end.”

The phrase “to give a hint” means to allude to something without clearly stating it.  Allah gives both men and women an outlet for their emotions, so they are not bottled up or strained.  During the Iddah waiting period, it is prohibited to express interest in marriage or engagement explicitly.  But this prohibition may lead to missed opportunities, so God permitted the man to express his interest to marry implicitly.  For example, a man can praise a woman in a way that does not contradict Islamic principles and social etiquettes.  Such talk will let the divorced woman or widow know that this man is interested.  If the man does not make his interest known, he may miss his chance as someone else may precede him.   

Moreover, implicitly expressing interest in marriage allows the divorced woman or the widow to weigh her options rather than rush into a new relationship.  Here, we see the real value of God's mercy in the Iddah waiting period.  It acts as a shield for the woman while keeping her options open for future marriage. 

The phrase “that you wish to marry” is translated from the Arabic origin ‘khitbah.’  The root of the word ‘Khitbah’ is ‘kha’ ‘taa’ ‘baa.’  This root is common to several words such as to give a sermon, to propose for marriage, and to describe an event of great importance.  Take note that all of these expressions reflect crucial matters.  The moment of the marriage proposal is what separates two lifestyles: a life of relative freedom, and a family life of intimacy, commitments, and duties. 

The verse continues: “God is aware that you will keep them in mind.”  Allah, our creator, knows what we share with others and what we keep to ourselves.  If a man likes a woman, and she gets divorced, or her husband dies, the man may see this as an opportunity to marry her.  Allah does not want to put roadblocks ahead of forming a new family.  Thus, He does not suppress the man’s emotions but allows them to be expressed appropriately.  Allah warns: “Do not make a secret arrangement with them” because making secret romantic arrangements and promises of future marriage are immoral acts; such actions also defeat the benefits of the Iddah waiting period.   God says: “speak to them honorably and do not confirm the marriage tie until the prescribed period reaches its end.”  In other words, the man is not permitted to make promises for future marriage.  He can only allude to the fact that he is interested in a proper manner.  For example, he may say: “how lucky is the one who has a wife like you."  This sort of speech can be made in a social setting, and the divorced woman or the widow would understand what is intended.

The verse continues: “do not confirm the marriage tie until the prescribed period reaches its end.” This phrase clarifies that during the Iddah even tentative steps towards marriage are strictly prohibited.  If mere steps towards marriage are prohibited, then the prohibition on tying the marriage knot is even stronger.  All you can do is intend to marry, allude to this fact appropriately, and then stop.  Do not take additional steps whatsoever during the waiting period.  Put your trust in the Lord.  Once the Iddah waiting period is over, you can move ahead with the proposal and marriage. 

To clarify: the process of marrying a newly divorced or widowed woman goes through three stages: First, during the waiting period, the man can express his interest indirectly and honorably.  Second: commitment to marry is not permitted until the waiting period has ended, and the third and final stage is the marriage contract.  Why such a strict schedule? Because Allah wants to give each party ample time to think deeply about this serious matter, especially when emotions are charged after death or divorce.  If, after taking time to think and work through these emotions, both the man and the woman feel it is the right thing to do; then the marriage can happen after the iddah.  It is a process that needs to run its course. 

Moreover, the iddah waiting period and the stages mentioned earlier allow each party to back away for any reason.  For example, if the woman discovers something she does not like about the man, she can just let her feelings be known or ignore his signals.  Marriage holds many commitments and responsibilities; if it is not well thought through, it will most likely fail.  We often see this happen when marriages are rushed based on urgent desires and soaring emotions that cloud the mind.  This is one of the main reasons for the prohibition of the short-term marriage contract –known as Mut’a- where the participants do not intend to live a marital life, but only to be together for a short term for physical pleasure. 

People should enter into marriage on a solid foundation, and should only divorce for serious reasons.  When a person restricts the marriage to a specified period of time, he or she ignores all the foundations required for a healthy marriage in exchange for physical desire.  God –who is fully aware of your weaknesses- warns you against such actions.  He says: “Remember that God knows what is in your souls, so be mindful of Him. Remember that God is most forgiving and forbearing.”  More importantly, if you fall in error, God gives you a chance to repent because He Almighty is the All-Forgiving, All-Merciful.