Quran Garden

Session 244

Chapter 2

Verse 226

For those who vow abstinence from their wives there is a respite of four months. If they go back on their vow, then surely God is All-Forgiving, All-Compassionate.

(Chapter 2: Verse 226)

In Arabia, before Islam, men used to employ a tactic to discipline and punish their wives.  A man would abstain from having any sexual relations with his wife and deprive her of intimacy for a specified period.  This would last for weeks, even months.  To ensure that the man’s will does not weaken, he would make an oath to avoid sexual relations for the period of his choosing.  This oath would act as a further deterrent against his sexual desire.  More often than not, at the end of the specified period, the man would make another oath to extend the sexual deprivation for a few more months.  This led to the humiliation of the woman and the denial of her marital and sexual rights. 

Islam came to restore balance to marriage.  God did not want to tip the scales in one direction or the other, but to preserve the rights of both the man and the woman.  Islam did not completely outlaw this practice because Allah is aware of His creation and common marital problems.  Just as men abused their marital responsibilities, a woman might exploit the husband’s desire for her to gain advantages and humiliate him.  Thus, God permitted the husband to abstain from his wife for a maximum of four months during severe marital problems.  He says:  

For those who vow abstinence from their wives there is a respite of four months. If they go back on their vow, then surely God is All-Forgiving, All-Compassionate.

(Chapter 2: Verse 226)

Islam builds a married life on realistic basis, not extremes.  It recognizes the power of sexual desires and channels them properly rather than suppress those desires or let them loose.  There is a difference between control and suppression.   Suppression bottles up the desire for a while, only to make it resurface as a psychological problem or as sexual promiscuity.  On the other hand, correctly channeling sexual desires recognizes their force and uses this force towards building families and societies.  Take for example our scientific progress that is mainly based on managing and channeling forces of nature.  A steam pressure cooker creates pressure within the pot but manages it properly.  A vent in the system relieves excess pressure and prevents the pot from exploding while allowing enough pressure to cook your food faster. 

Allah has set a precise system to build families on a sound foundation.  One of the cornerstones of a healthy family is the shared belief in One God and the commitment to follow His teachings.  That is why Islam warned Muslims against marrying disbelievers.  God says in the 221^st of ‘The Cow’:

Do not marry the women who associate partners with God until they believe. A believing servant-girl is better than a free woman who associates partners with God, even though she pleases and attracts you.  Nor give your women in marriage to men who associate partners with God until they believe.  A believing slave is better than a free man who associates partners with God, even though he pleases and attracts you.

Another stone in the foundation is the proper channeling of sexual energy for reproduction first and enjoyment second.  God says in the 222^nd verse of ‘The Cow’:

And they ask you about menstruation.  Say, ‘It is a mild harm, so keep apart from women during menstruation and do not approach them until they have purified themselves. But once they have purified themselves, then go to them in the way that Allah has enjoined on you.’

Islam builds marriages not only on physical attraction and emotions that wane overtime; but also based on shared values and shared goals.  Allah knows that our human nature changes over time.  Thus, it is crucial to enter marriage under the light of God’s teachings.  Emotions will cool, beauty will fade, and disputes between couples will inevitably rise.  If the conflicts are severe and threaten the family unit, God allows for an outlet conducted by the husband to bring order back to the marriage.  The husband is allowed to deny the wife from intimacy for a maximum of four months.  If the man is unsure that he can resist the sexual urge, he can make an oath to strengthen his resolve.  At the same time, Allah promotes love and compassion, not cruelty or score settling.  He says: “if they go back on their vow, then surely God is All-Forgiving, All-Compassionate.”  In other words, if the couple resolves their issues and wish to restore intimacy before the end of the oath period, the man can expiate for his oath.  

Why four months, you may ask? We answer that four months is a long enough period to solve problems and sort out complex matters, yet it is not too long to cause harm and loss of connection.  If the husband exceeds this period, he will become a transgressor outside of God’s limits.  Allah is our Creator; He is best aware of our tendencies, emotions and instincts, and He set sound laws considering all aspects. 

Once Omar ibn Al-Khatab –the 2^nd Caliphate after the Prophet- was walking on a quiet street in the late hours of the night.  He passed by a woman’s house and overheard her reciting a poem expressing her loneliness and longing for her husband.  Her emotions were about to push her to misbehave, but her fear of God held her back.  When Omar heard the words of this woman, he was concerned for the well-being of the Muslims society.  He went to his daughter Hafsah and asked her: how long can a woman stay apart from her husband?  She replied: around four to six months.  The next day, Omar issued a ruling stating that soldiers must not stay out on missions for more than four months.  While the verse under study was revealed many years before this story, life’s circumstances came to prove the wisdom and sound judgment of what God had prescribed.