Quran Garden

If your parents are disbelievers, how should you deal with them?  Some people point to contradictions in the Quran regarding this matter.  In today's Tafsir, we will tackle the issue of disbelieving friends and relatives and tell you the story of Prophet Abraham and his atheist guest.  Let's dive right in. 

Session 562

Chapter 4

Verse 19

a continuation

You who believe, it is not lawful for you to inherit women against their will, nor should you constrict them, hoping to take back some of the bride-gift you gave them, unless they are guilty of something clearly outrageous.  Live with them in accordance with what is fair and courteous: if you dislike them, it may well be that you dislike something in which God has put much good.  (Chapter 4: Verse 19)

In the first few verses of Surah An-Nisaa, God issued commands to protect women's rights, inheritance, and dignity.  Now, He directs Muslim men to treat women "In accordance with what is fair and courteous," translated from the Arabic Ma'aroof (معروفًا).  Some critics of Islam used this term to point out contradictions in the Quran, citing the following two verses:

You will not find those who believe in God and the Day of Resurrection show affection toward those who oppose God and His Prophet, even though they be their fathers, sons, brothers, or kin.  (from 58:22)

They ask: How can a believer not show affection to disbelieving parents, yet in another aya, the Quran says,

If they strive to make you associate with Me anything about which you have no knowledge, then do not obey them.  Yet, keep their company courtesy in this life according to what is right and follow the path of those who turn to Me.  You will all return to Me in the end, and I will tell you everything that you have done.  (31:15)

One aya says that if you are a true believer, you should not show affection towards the non-believers, even your mother!  Meanwhile, the other aya commands the believer to treat his or her non-believing parents well.  Which one is correct?! 

We answer that in the Quran, Allah uses one of two terms to describe proper dealings with family and friends.  The first is courtesy -Ma'aroof (معروفًا)- which means common courtesy and fair treatment, and the second is affection -Mawadda (مودة)- which means emotional bond and love.  "Affection" relates to love, while "courtesy" is fair and kind treatment regardless of personal feelings.  If your parents are non-believers, Allah commands you to treat them well and fulfill their material and physical needs.  This duty is out of kindness, not affection.  Affection is reserved for your brothers and sisters in faith. 

To understand the difference between the Ma'roof courtesy and the affection of Mawada, we go back to the story of Prophet Abraham and his guest.  Didn't Allah criticize Abraham for not showing hospitality and common courtesy to a guest when he found he was a non-believer?  We told this story before, but it is worth repeating. 

Prophet Abraham, peace be upon him, was a very generous and hospitable man.  It is said that he would not eat dinner unless a guest was at his table. 

One day, an exhausted traveler stopped by and asked for food and a resting place.  Prophet Abraham welcomed him into his home, prepared food, and sat with his guest to talk.  After conversing for a while, he discovered this man was an atheist.  Abraham got very angry: 

"I cannot have you at my table if you deny God……Get out of my home!" 

The tired man picked up his belongings and left. 

Shortly after, the Arch Angel Gabriel came to Prophet Abraham and said: "God is displeased with you, Abraham," He says to you: 'This man has been a disbeliever for forty years, and for forty years I have been patient with him; I gave him food and provisions; how come you could not tolerate him even for one evening at your table!?'" 

Prophet Abraham ran after the man until he caught up with him. 

'forgive me.  Please come back to my table.' 

The traveler asked: 'You kicked me out of your home…..now you want me back…what happened!?'

Abraham replied: 'My Lord scolded me for my inhospitality.' 

The man marveled and said, "I am a disbeliever, and you say that you are a Prophet of God.  Yet your Lord scolded you for my sake!?  Indeed, this is a Lord that deserves to be worshipped." 

"I bear witness that there is no god but Allah."

This brings us back to the verse.  Common courtesy and kindness are essential, especially in marriage, even if affection is no longer present.  Muslim men and women should take this teaching to heart to safeguard homes and preserve families.  Sadly, modern television shows would have the Muslim youth believe that a home must be built purely on love and affection, suggesting that without them, the relationship would fall apart.  But Allah did not command you to love.  Instead, He advises you to live with your spouse "in accordance with what is courteous and kind," even if you dislike him or her. 

Perhaps you no longer find your wife physically attractive.  Understand, however, that a woman's purpose isn't solely to satisfy your desires; she's intended as a partner and companion.  When your sexual hormones naturally arise, you have someone to turn to.  You don't need a spouse to actively seduce you and arouse sexual feelings.  Listen to what Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, taught us: "If one of you sees a woman who pleases him, let him go to his wife, for the privates are the same.  She has what the other has."  Sexual lust can be extinguished with your spouse because the function is the same.

When a man approached Umar ibn al-Khattab saying, "O leader of the faithful, I don't love my wife anymore and wish to divorce her," Umar responded, "Do you think all homes are built on love?!  What about values?" Umar reminded the man that the initial physical attraction between couples might initiate the relationship, but over time, shared values bond the couple together.  Marriage is far more than physical affection. 

Thus, Allah says, "Live with them in accordance with what is fair and kind: if you dislike them, it may well be that you dislike something in which God has put much good." If you are looking for your wife to be a flame for desire, you reduce her role to that of a mere object of pleasure.  Yet, there are many aspects of a relationship other than the physical.  Allah spread His virtues among His creation – this one may have beauty, that one is intelligent, the third is loyal, the next is a great cook, and so on.  If you are wise, consider all aspects and how they will affect your daily life and the lives of your future children.  God says,

And among His signs is that He has created for you, from your selves, mates, that you may incline towards them and find tranquility in them, and He has engendered love and tenderness between you.  Indeed, in this, there are signs for people to reflect.  (30:21)

If you dislike something in your spouse, as long as it is not about faith, trust that Allah may have placed great good in other aspects.  Be patient with what you see as a flaw; Allah will reward you with blessings in many ways.

Pay close attention to God's words.  The Almighty could have specified and said, 'It may well be that you dislike something about your spouse in which God has put much good,' but the Almighty chose to generalize with, "It may well be that you dislike something in which God has put much good" making this a valid principle of all aspects of life, not just marriage.   Often, life's events reveal Allah's truth—things we dislike in marriage, study, faith, or business may bring great benefit, while things we chase and love end in regret. 

Lastly, consider the phrase, "It may well be that you dislike something in which God has put much good." Notice that the "dislike" is your own, whereas the "much good" comes from Allah.  Don't allow your personal dislikes to overshadow the goodness Allah has placed.

However, there are situations where a couple can no longer continue together, even if they are patient and mindful of God.  Tune in next week as we discuss your options if the marriage hits a dead-end and the proper Islamic way to end it.  If you learned something new today, hit the subscribe and bell icons so you do not miss any future Tafsir.