Quran Garden

Polygamy faces much criticism in modern society and is frequently mocked on television as a source of problems for the man driven by jealous and scheming women.  This is far from the truth.  In today's Tafsir, we'll uncover the actual reasons for the negative perception of polygamy and ways to resolve them.  Get comfortable and listen in.

Session 542

Chapter 4

Verse 3

a continuation

If you are afraid of not behaving justly towards orphans, then marry other permissible women, two, three, or four.  But if you are afraid of not treating them equally, then content yourselves with only one or the captives that your right hands possess.  That is more likely to make you avoid bias.  (Chapter 4: Verse 3)

Why do wives hate polygamy?  Because many have seen example after example of a husband marrying a new wife and then turning all his attention, finances, smiles, and tenderness to her.  Naturally, this makes women uneasy about their husbands marrying someone else.  In short, quite often, it is the man's fault.  Let me explain.

The heavenly doctrine must be adopted as a whole —you can't just pick and choose.  When you apply a rule, consider all its dimensions.  God says, "If you are afraid of not behaving justly towards orphans, then marry other permissible women, two, three, or four.  But if you are afraid of not treating them equally, then content yourselves with only one." As a Muslim man, do not take the part of the verse that permits polygamy and ignore the part that demands you to be just and equitable.  With every privilege comes a responsibility.  If you take the privilege and discard the responsibility, you would be spreading corruption, not the least of which is people questioning God's ruling. 

So we ask again, why do many Muslim societies view polygamy negatively?  Why do women resent it?  Because they have seen many examples of favoritism and neglect, where women and children suffer from the actions of unfair, selfish men.  They say, rightfully so, 'Look, so-and-so married another woman and neglected his wife,' or 'He abandoned his children without care and turned to his new wife.' Such men give people an excuse to rebel against God's religion. 

How dare you enjoy God's permission and ignore His obligation?  God says,

Those who have broken the Qur'an into fragments; By your Lord, We will question them all about their deeds. (15:91-93)

Give me a husband who is fair in companionship, spending, housing, place, and time without giving preference to one over another, and I will show you a very happy marriage.  When the man is fair, the first wife will not have any grounds to complain.  The outcry we hear these days stems from people not adhering to the justice Allah requires.  Remember this: Every right you have implies a duty for someone else, and every duty you have is someone else's right.  If you ignore these facts, the entire Ummah suffers.  Those who take Allah's ruling on the permissibility of polygamy must also take Allah's ruling on justice; otherwise, they provide solid arguments for the opponents of Islam to invalidate what Allah has legislated, not only on polygamy but Islam in its entirety.  Thus, the Muslims who do not adhere to their duties expose Islam to criticism from its enemies.  Your every word, action, movement, and silence should be for God's sake.  You are the ambassador of Islam in your family, workplace, and community. 

The physical land, air, and sea borders of the Muslim Ummah are not the only places where an enemy might attack.  A breach can happen at any gap in values through which an enemy of Islam can criticize it.  Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, said, "Every Muslim is a guard at one of the gates of Islam.  I implore you, by Allah!  Make sure that Islam is not breached from your side." If you misbehave in polygamy or otherwise, you open a door for the enemies of faith.  

Here, we must stop and address a common excuse used by those who read the Quran superficially against polygamy.  They claim that God commanded justice in polygamy, yet He ruled that we cannot achieve it.  Then they recite the following verse,

You will not be able to be completely fair between your wives, however hard you try.  But do not be completely partial so as to leave a wife in limbo.  And if you make amends and remain God conscious; Allah is Ever-Forgiving, Most Merciful. (4:129)

We ask them: Is this really what you think of the Lord's legislation!?  Do you believe that God –the All-Wise- would give with one hand and then take with the other?!  Allah is exalted above all that.  Yes, He legislated polygamy, knowing our inability to achieve absolute fairness, yet He kept the ruling without abolishing it.  Why?  The secret lies in the two types of fairness. 

The first type -which is required in polygamy, as mentioned in verse 3- is equality between the wives in residence, time spent, possessions, and furnishing.  They have to be equal.  Fairness even extends to the personal items of the husband.  For example, it's not permissible for a husband to have a nice pair of pajamas at one wife's house while he wears an older one at the other.  There must be equality, not just in the wife's possessions but also in the man's own items that he enjoys with her.  Some early Muslims would ensure equal treatment to the extent of wearing the same type, color, and quality of house slippers to avoid one wife having even the slightest of negative feelings.  This justice, which is required, involves everything under the man's control. 

The second type of fairness, which is not required –because it is unattainable, as mentioned in verse 129- is that of emotions.  Allah does not demand from you justice in matters beyond your control, such as your heart's inclinations and personal feelings.  Maybe you feel emotionally tranquil with one wife more than the others; you may enjoy conversation with one or sexual intimacy with a particular wife.  All these matters are beyond your control.  Here, all Allah asks of you is: "Do not be completely partial so as to leave a wife in limbo." In other words, try to hide such feelings and be as fair as possible.  If one wife is not your favorite, hide your emotions so you do not hurt her feelings in the slightest.  Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, best illustrated this when he supplicated: "O Allah, this is my allocation concerning what I control, so do not blame me for what You control and I do not," referring to the heart.

The Prophet extended justice among his wives to a level that exceeded his physical capabilities.  When he was very sick, the illness could have given him an excuse to stay at one wife's house.  But he, peace be upon him, would ask his companions to carry him to the other wives on their designated days, doing his best to respect their rights.  And when he traveled, he would draw lots among them as who would accompany him.  This is justice. 

When such justice prevails, it becomes clear to everyone that God's legislation is genuine, fair, and beneficial.  It also closes the door before all enemies of Islam and seals any gap to criticize what Allah has allowed or prohibited.  If a Muslim cannot achieve this level of fairness, he should commit himself to marrying only one wife.  God says, 

But if you are afraid of not treating them equally, then content yourselves with only one.

I want to remind you that, even with one wife, fairness and kindness must still prevail.  A man cannot neglect his wife. 

When a woman complained to Umar ibn al-Khattab, may God be pleased with him, that her husband did not spend time with her, even though she had no sister-wives, Umar asked one of the companions to provide a fatwa.  The companion ruled that she had the absolute right to have her husband spend every fourth night with her.  This ruling was based on the assumption that if she had three sister-wives, she would be entitled to every fourth night. 

Lastly, if this level of fairness is essential among multiple wives—a situation that can end through divorce or separation—imagine the importance of fairness between the children.  Neighbors may notice the children of one wife being neglected and use this as an argument against Islam.  A father should never show favoritism for the children of one wife over another in food, clothing, education, activities, and time spent together.

There are still two issues we have not covered in the matter of polygamy.  The first is: Why did Allah legislate polygamy to begin with?  And the second is that of "the captives that your right hands possess." Please tune in next week as we dive into the details.