Quran Garden

In Islam, protecting family bonds is a sacred duty.  Aya 35 of Surah An-Nisaa teaches us how to mend relationships before they break.  With the help of family members who care, God highlights the importance of acting early to keep the family intact.  Today's Tafsir could help save your marriage.  Let's begin.                            

Session 601

Chapter 4

Verse 35

And if you fear a breach between the two of them, then appoint an arbiter from his relatives and an arbiter from her relatives.  If they desire reconciliation, Allah shall reconcile them.  Indeed, Allah is all-knowing, all-aware. (Chapter 4:Verse 35)

We continue with God's advice on saving a marriage.  Take note of the phrase "if you fear a breach," as it suggests a breach has not occurred, but that there are signs the married couple is not getting along.  Just like in the previous verse, Allah is encouraging you to be vigilant and act sooner rather than later.  A "breach" translated from the Arabic (شقاق) is a split in a material.  For example, tearing a piece of paper causes a split.  Allah used this term to indicate that a married couple becomes one entity.  Through marriage and companionship, the man becomes united with his wife.  God says,

How could you take it when you have lain with each other, and they have taken a solemn pledge from you?  (from 4:21)

And in another verse,

On the night of the fast, it is lawful for you to have sexual relations with your wives.  They are clothing for you and you for them.  (from 2:187)

The man envelops the woman, and vice versa.  Thus, if matters escalate between them to the point of threatening separation, we call it a "breach."

The key phrase is "if you fear." Who are those who fear?  They are the guardians, close relatives, and any close friends who care about this family.  We get another clue from the phrase, "then appoint an arbiter from his relatives and an arbiter from her relatives," specifying the circle of relatives who should prevent matters from reaching the boiling point.  Everyone in the family circle, whether a father, brother, or relative, must be vigilant about the family's psychological and social state.    

In a proper Muslim society, the circle of people who care is much broader, and could even involve the state authority to help a married couple in trouble.  But the best-suited to intervene are prominent family members from both sides.  Elders with influence who observe the family's trajectory and note early signs of trouble.

How can we solve such problems?  We appoint an arbitrator from her family and an arbitrator from his to examine the issues and resolve them.  Now, the responsibility shifts from the couple to the mediators.  Why?  Because these arbitrators are not part of the problem, they do not carry emotional baggage and can objectively assess the evidence.  The problem has not yet crystallized in their minds, so neither has a preconceived judgment.  In other words, the arbiters should have no bias in their hearts.  Since both are entrusted, they must agree on the outcome, and whatever judgment they set is binding for the couple.  If they see that the best solution is divorce, they rule in favor of divorce.  

People often think that mediators' only task is to reconcile the couple, and if the couple does not like the ruling, they can keep fighting.  We answer: No.  What the arbitrators decide must be implemented, even if they rule in favor of a divorce.  

God says, "If they desire reconciliation, Allah shall reconcile them," meaning that the primary objective is reconciliation, and that all parties must approach it with that intention.  If Allah does not bring agreement between them, it is as if they –or one of them- did not intend reconciliation.

Thus, each arbitrator must fear for themselves and strive sincerely to achieve reconciliation, for if they are not sincere, the matter may turn into a scandal against them.  God, who created everyone: the husband, wife, arbitrator from his family, and arbitrator from hers, says, "If they desire reconciliation, Allah shall reconcile them." Let each side proceed under this principle and sincerely strive for a solution, for when Allah establishes a universal principle, everyone must govern themselves and their actions within its framework.  

Let's look at examples of such principles from the Quran.  God says,

And that Our soldiers - they indeed - would be the victors. (Chapter 37:Verse 173)

Every soldier must strive to be a soldier for God.  Why?  Because if he is defeated, he is exposed, and we say to him, "Your faith must be tainted for you were not a soldier for God." Establishing such universal principles mobilizes a person's faculties to be sincere.  Failure will expose the faults within.  Similarly, when Allah says, "If they desire reconciliation, Allah shall reconcile them," we say: beware of relying on the arbitrators' decisiveness or intelligence.  In other words, do not be deceived by the means, but rely on the Creator of the means. 

Take note of the precision of "Allah shall reconcile them." The Aya did not say, 'If they intend reconciliation, they will bring about agreement between them.' Instead, Allah reserved for Himself the merit of bringing agreement between the couple for "Indeed Allah is all-knowing, all-aware." He knows the condition of the husband, the wife, and the arbitrators.  Each must be cautious in actions and intentions, for they are responsible before Allah.   

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